


Defect

by AllenbysEyes



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Feeling Inadequate, Fluff and Angst, Fusion, Post-Episode s05e29-32 Change Your Mind, Relationship Issues, Self-Acceptance, failed fusion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 05:34:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18404132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllenbysEyes/pseuds/AllenbysEyes
Summary: Peridot and Lapis try taking their relationship to the next level, and it doesn't go as planned. Peridot blames herself and Lapis tries to convince her it's not what really matters.





	Defect

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! It's been awhile since I've updated either of my WIP fics, but I wanted to try a simple Lapidot one-shot before diving back into either of them. This work is inspired by SaiVega's "Deserving," which has a similar plot but a different outcome. https://archiveofourown.org/works/18373085

Peridot ran down the beach.

After what had just happened, it was the only thing she could think to do.

She thought she heard Lapis calling after her. But she didn't dare look back. 

Instead, she ran as fast as her short little legs could carry her, trying to outrace Lapis. Trying to outrun the shame. 

The sky was turning dark blue, the final flickers of twilight vanishing over the horizon. The wind blew slightly, the waves slapping the sand.

And Peridot ran. 

She saw the beach house, could make silhouettes of the Gems inside. 

No. She couldn't face them, either.

She saw her prized trashcan lid on the porch. Stretched out one of her arms and levitated it into the sky. 

She needed to get away. As far away as possible. It wasn't wings, but it was something. 

She jumped, trying to mount the lid on the fly, but fell short and hit her chin against the side of the lid. She fell face first into the sand, the lid clattering loudly beside her. 

Peridot laid there for the longest time, breathing in the moist sand, not caring as it coated her nostrils. Feeling too bad to worry about suffocation.

Everything she and Lapis had built...had tried to build...and it all meant _nothing_. Ruined in one miserable night. One awful moment.

Laying there, she puzzled over reasons it might have gone wrong. Something, _anything_ that might make it okay, that might put the failure down to chance, to circumstance, something that wouldn't happen again. 

Maybe they took things too fast. Maybe they did the wrong dance and it didn't trigger what it was supposed to(but then why had Lazuli's gem glowed?). Maybe they weren't compatible, somehow. Although, if Steven could fuse with a **human**...What did that say about her? 

Either way, the result was clear.

They hadn't fused.

They had failed.

 _She_ had failed. 

"Peridot, are you alright?"

Steven's voice broke through Peridot's self-pity. She turned her head slightly, feeling the sand fall into her eyes and mouth. 

"I saw you running," Steven said, rushing to Peridot's side and helping her to her feet. "Looks like you took a nasty fall. Are you okay?" 

Peridot spit out some grains of sand and brushed her hair.

"Physically, yes," she said. "Just embarrassed."

"Well, then what happened?" Steven asked, his face flushed with concern. 

Peridot didn't feel like lying to Steven. She'd never been good at it, anyway, regardless of who she was lying to. But neither could she bring herself to say anything.  

"Lapis."

The name emerged involuntarily from her lips. Despite everything - no, _because_ of everything - she was the only thing on Peridot's mind. 

She looked around in a panic, afraid she'd been followed. But there was no sign of the blue gem. And she wasn't sure whether she was relieved or disappointed. 

"Peridot, is something wrong? Is Lapis okay?"

Peridot stared at Steven as if he were speaking another language. Trying to unscramble the words.

Then she laughed. A cruel, harsh snicker at her own expense, the kind Steven remembered from that time Peridot tried kidnapping him to fix the Galaxy Warp. It wasn't a pleasant sound. 

"Lapis is okay," she muttered. "It's **me** who's the problem." 

"Peridot, what do you...?"

**"It's none of your business, Steven!!!"**

Peridot was shocked at how loud she yelled, venting her rage on her best friend like that. And she looked instantly remorseful of that, too.

She started to sputter, but an apology wouldn't form. Her brain had short-circuited, and she couldn't think. 

This was all too much to take in at once. 

"Peridot, if something's wrong, we can..." Steven began. His face registered alarm. 

But Peridot ignored him. 

"Never mind." 

"Peridot..."

Peridot scowled, turning away from Steven. 

"I said never mind, Steven. Nothing you say...nothing can fix this." 

And she walked down the beach, looking down, utterly dejected. After a few paces she sat in the sand, alone.  

Steven started after her, but hesitated. He wasn't sure whether to press her for information, or try and help, or just...leave her be.

Sometimes, talking about things helped. 

But sometimes, he admitted, it helped to be alone.

Whatever had happened, _especially_ if it involved Lapis...well, it might take some time to process.

Reluctantly, he walked back to the porch, staring at Peridot.

"When you're ready to talk, I'm here," he said aloud, knowing she couldn't hear him.

He went inside. Leaving Peridot alone. 

* * *

Lapis was angry.

She was a little surprised at her reaction. Because part of her still thought that Peridot had every right to be furious at her. After all that had happened...all that she had done to her over the past year? Why shouldn't Peridot storm off and leave her alone, staring after her like a moron? 

But that...wasn't this. That, Lapis would understand.

This, this was something else. 

 

Somehow, it didn't register with Lapis. She thought maybe Peridot was scared of something, or just being weird. Peridot did that sometimes, and for all the time they spent together, she still didn't understand everything her little green partner did or said. 

Only after she was out of sight did it occur to Lapis that **she** was the problem. 

 

That trying to fuse pushed things too far. That Peridot wasn't comfortable, or ready, or...

Well. If anyone should be not ready for fusion, Lapis thought, more than a little selfishly, it should be me.

She scolded herself for thinking that. But she couldn't help it. All the time and thought put into healing, and that evening had seemed so natural. So perfect.

She'd enjoyed dancing, even if she missed the swish of her old skirt and ribbon (sweatpants, though easier, more comfortable to move in, weren't the same). Enjoyed the way Peridot's eyes lit up with anticipation and excitement in the evening light, the glint in her visor. The warmth as she grasped Peridot's trembling hand, pressed her body close. She felt the smile on her own face, the contentment. 

The feeling of warmth on her back, as her gem started to glow. 

Then the slightest stab of fear as Lapis realized what was coming. The briefest memory of Jasper, of Malachite, flashed before her.

And it was gone.

Because she was ready. And that didn't matter anymore. 

Because Peridot was Peridot.

And then Peridot was gone. 

Lapis didn't bother chasing after her. She really wanted to crash a tsunami down on Peridot's head. Or at least slap some sense into her.

What the hell is wrong with you? 

Instead, she was gone. Running away like a coward. Too scared, either of Lapis or herself. Or maybe the old Homeworld prejudices had bubbled up at the last moment, telling Peridot that inter-gem fusion was wrong.

Either way, she was gone. And Lapis was alone with her thoughts, and her anger, and her lack of understanding.

So Lapis sprouted her wings and flew. Flew over the sea, back to the Galaxy Warp. Where she tried to meditate, tried to calm down, knowing there was no way Peridot would follow her there. 

Wondering if she would come back. And if she did, whether she could stand to look Peridot in the eye again. 

* * *

 

Peridot felt a little better after talking with Steven. She always did.

She explained her predicament as best she could. Steven seemed to instantly grasp its importance. 

"Maybe things just weren't right," Steven said, trying to comfort Peridot. Who wasn't remotely convinced. 

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, fusion's...hard to control. Hard to predict. The first time Connie and I fused, well, neither of us planned it. Neither of us even knew we could fuse. And that came after days of the Gems trying to teach me how. _Trying_ to fuse, just to fuse, didn't work, but finding the right person..."

"So you're saying Lazuli isn't the right person."

Peridot felt like sinking into the earth. That thought made her sick. 

"I didn't mean it like that," Steven protested.  

"It doesn't matter anyway," Peridot muttered, head in her hands. "I told you, I'm an Era Two Gem. We don't have the same powers as ordinary gems. I always suspected...but I could never know for sure...until now."

"Yeah, but...Remember how you thought you didn't have any powers at all, and then...?"

**"Steven!"**

Again, Peridot yelled without realizing it. But she managed to cut herself short, and elaborate a little more calmly. 

"Steven, I appreciate that you're trying to cheer me up," she continued, trying to keep her voice even, her thoughts clear. "But...let's face facts. I have to accept that I have... limitations. I know that you and Amethyst think they don't matter, and...I don't know. Maybe you're right. I don't miss my limb enhancers any more, I'll say that much. I'm happy being me, most of the time.

"But this...this is the most intimate thing a Gem can _do_. The most personal. You're not just fusing, you know full well it's...you're sharing yourself with someone. Your whole being, all your thoughts and feelings. Everything. You're creating something entirely new. Something that's the best part of you and the best part of her and...it's _amazing_."

She looked out the windows, taking in the stars. 

Then she muttered, with mournful detachment:

_"Or so I've heard."_

And her tone alone was enough to break Steven's heart.  

"Peridot..." He tried thinking of something to help Peridot feel better, but couldn't.

"And now...Lapis has enough of a bad history with fusion. She doesn't need a defective Era 2 Peridot adding to her troubles."

She got up and walked upstairs. 

"Peridot, you're not..."

But Peridot had already locked herself in the bathroom. And Steven heard the familiar country music piping through the door. 

 

 

* * *

Lapis didn't come back until the following afternoon. She landed on the beach, noticing a few humans nearby, engrossed in some sort of game and not noticing her. Which was fine, she didn't feel very sociable right now.

She walked up and down the beach, until she settled underneath a pier, leaning her back against a stilt. Thinking. 

 

"Hi Lapis!"

Lapis looked over and saw Connie next to her, wearing jeans and a polo shirt, scouring through the sands with a magnifying glass.

"Connie," Lapis said, surprised and a little startled. "What are you doing under the pier?"

"I'm just looking for some shells for a class project," she said. "Trying to catalog some of the crustacean life around Beach City."

"That sounds fascinating," Lapis said politely. 

"Oh, it is! I've already identified at least six different species of clam and seen a live horseshoe crab," Connie enthused. 

Lapis snickered slightly. Connie was almost as nerdy as Peridot, she thought to herself. 

"So...what are you doing under the pier?" Connie asked, putting her magnifying glass away. "This isn't your usual hangout spot."

"No, I just...needed to think."

"Oh...okay."

Connie felt awkward for a moment, started to walk away. She didn't want to pry too much into Lapis's life. She knew the Gem had a history, and some pretty strong feelings about things...

"Why didn't Peridot fuse with me?"

Connie stopped and turned towards the Gem, who crossed her arms and looked down, biting her lip.

She sure wasn't expecting _that_.

"Wait...what?" Connie managed. "Back up a second. What's this about fusion? And Peridot?"

Lapis groaned, rubbing her forehead. 

"Peridot and I...tried to fuse last night. And it went great, until...she changed her mind. And ran away at the last second."

"Wait...Peridot _ran away_?"

"Yeah. Just took off running down the beach. Like a scared little Pebble." 

The image was a little funny, and Connie could easily picture Peridot running off, arms waving and screaming about nothing. She'd seen it happen before, under happier circumstances.

But she realized that this wasn't a laughing matter. Not to Lapis. 

Connie struggled. She was as much of an expert on fusion as a human could be...which made sense, she was the only human who'd ever fused. But she did it with Steven, who was half-human and...after the first few times, it didn't feel too different with him. They could at least understand each other.

But Gems? She knew it might be different for them. Just because...it was something that they did expect. That was a part of them. Connie could only fuse because of a very specific circumstance with a very specific Steven. She couldn't fuse with Pearl, or Garnet, or Amethyst, or Bismuth even if she wanted to. 

And while she wasn't that close to Lapis, she **did** know about Malachite. 

And she knew how Peridot felt about Lapis...it was obvious to anyone who spent time around them. They were inseparable. Even more since coming back from Homeworld.  

Maybe she could listen. If she didn't have anything to say...Well, Lapis clearly did. 

"So...are you mad?" 

It was lame, Connie realized, but it was the only thing she could think to say. 

Lapis sighed, heavily, and thought a moment before answering.

"I dunno. I _was_. That was my first reaction, because I thought...Who _knows_ why Peridot does anything? Does anything she does even make **sense**? I mean, she's been the one hinting that she wanted to do it! Even before Blue Diamond. Even before we reformed. Like, never anything obvious, but she'd bring up fusion and try and slip it into conversations and...it was one thing she seemed curious about.

"And Diamond knows that I didn't want to fuse. Before, I mean. I mean, you don't go through...What happened with me and Jasper was..."

Lapis sputtered and closed her eyes, her body trembling. She had to steady herself and take a few breaths before she continued.

"I never would have thought I'd want to do it again," she admitted, her voice barely above a whisper. "Not with her. Not with anyone. Because I couldn't bear the thought of it. Of becoming a monster again. Of hurting someone I loved. And I would never talk about it unless I had to..."

"Until last night, and...I don't remember how it came up. We just started talking, and we discussed it. We discussed fusion. We talked about everything that happened on Homeworld and how...seeing Obsidian and all the others, it just felt like...It felt right. For the first time, I didn't feel afraid of fusion. It was something awesome. Something incredible. It was something I wanted to do again, myself. 

"And so we decided to try it. And we were this close..."

Lapis stared again, her expression unreadable. 

"And then she fucked it up." 

"Well..." Connie began, trying to prod her along. "I mean, I don't think Peridot's ever fused before. Maybe she's just nervous about her first time."

"Maybe," Lapis admitted, though her tone seemed unconvinced. 

"Or maybe she doesn't think...Maybe she doesn't think she's good enough for you."

Lapis snorted at that, but couldn't bring herself to laugh.

"Think about it. I mean, you're a high-class Gem on Homeworld, right?"

"Don't remind me," Lapis said, rolling her eyes. 

"And she's definitely not. Plus, you're you, and she's an Era 2 Gem, and there's...I mean, I'm a little sketchy on the details, but..."

Connie sighed. "Look, I only know about fusing with Steven. I'm not an expert on Homeworld or Gem culture, even after being there. So I'm sorry if I sound ignorant talking about this.

"But! My point is, it could be a million things. She could just be nervous. Maybe something was on her mind. Maybe she didn't feel right, or maybe she didn't feel she was good enough to fuse with you. Who knows? But the only way you **can** know is to talk to her." 

Lapis scoffed. The last thing she wanted to do right now was talk to Peridot.

But part of her realized Connie was right.

What made humans so much smarter than Gems? she wondered. First Steven, now Connie. 

"You _do_ make a good Steven," Lapis teased.

"Watch it," Connie replied, her face mock serious. And the two giggled at their own silliness.

"Okay," Lapis said grudgingly. "I'll give the little clod a chance to explain herself. But she'd better have a good excuse."

"I'll let her know, if I see her. Or at least tell Steven. I think she's in the Beach house."

"Still listening to that country music, huh?"

"Better than Ke$ha," Connie said, sticking out her tongue. 

"Well...I have some more thinking to do," Lapis admitted, sprouting wings from her gem. "But thanks, Connie." 

"No problem. Once a Crystal Temp, always a Crystal Temp."

"Haha, I'm glad to hear it. And good luck with your shell hunt."

"Erm, thanks," Connie said as Lapis flew into the sky, swooping over the ocean.

Connie smiled after her for a moment, happy that she'd done the right thing.

She turned away and heard a sickening squish. 

Connie looked down and realized that she'd stepped on a dead jellyfish. 

* * *

That evening, Lapis lay on her back in a dune. She could see Steven, Connie and the Crystal Gems in the distance. But she ignored them, reclining with her head in her hands, staring at the dimming sun. Her mind still raced with thoughts about what to do, what might happen with Peridot from here. 

"Lapis."

A quiet, almost childlike voice rang out.

Lapis felt a stab of excitement in her heart, but she managed to contain it. She turned her head and saw the little green gem standing next to her, hands clenched together, a small grimace on her face. 

"Hey," Lapis offered. 

She gestured with her head and Peridot sat down next to her in the dune. 

They were silent for awhile, just taking in the evening. Lapis stared at the sky, Peridot down at the sand, watching a crab skitter across the dune.

Finally, she spoke up.

"Lapis, I'm sorry. My actions last night were deeply unfair to you, and weren't intended at all as a reflection on your desirability as a fusion partner, or as a Gem, or as a...whatever we are." 

"Well, that's a relief," Lapis said, keeping her voice flat. 

She wanted to forgive Peridot, but she also wanted Peridot to explain herself. Because something so intimate, so humiliating couldn't just be walked back with an awkward apology, however sincere it was. 

"Really, it's not you, it's me," Peridot said.

Lapis snorted. "You've spent too much time on Earth if you're pulling that one on me," she said. 

"No, I mean it," Peridot said. "Sure, that phrase turns up in Earth programming with a great degree of frequency, but I assure you that I'm one hundred percent..."

"Can. The nerd talk," Lapis said, sitting up, her face finally registering her frustration.

"Just...say what you're going to say."

"Okay." Peridot said, steeling herself before she continued. 

"I can't fuse."

Lapis wasn't sure she'd heard right.

"What?"

"I can't fuse."

"Peridot."

"It's true, Lapis. I can't." 

"Peridot."

All of Lapis's anger disappeared in an instant. She saw empty, how _deflated_ Peridot looked, and...well, how could anyone stay angry about that?

"How do you know?" she said gently, edging closer to Peridot. 

"I always had my suspicions. I remember what happened with Garnet last summer. I thought it was just a question of my not being ready, not being at the point in the...But no. Now that I think back, my gem wasn't reacting at all. 

"And maybe I could have put it down to nervousness. I mean, those weren't optimal circumstances. But last night...Last night was perfect. Everything I dreamed it would be. Everything I thought fusion could be. All the meaning, the connection, the love...

"And then...I saw your gem glow. And I was excited, until I realized...mine _wasn't_."

Peridot didn't seem sad, at least not in the usual sense. Just defeated. Empty. Admitting a fact. Something that was objectively true and that she couldn't hope to fight. 

"No warmth. No light. No feeling. Just...me."

"And me," Lapis said quietly, clutching her hand. But Peridot pulled hers away. And it hurt Lapis.  

"I knew Era 2 Gems weren't built with full Gem powers," Peridot continued, twisting her hands together anxiously. "But fusion...I always suspected, but I never had reason to know. Peridots, as you know, are technically oriented Gems. We have no need to fuse on Homeworld. And I suppose it's possible that Peridots, or at least Era 1 Peridots have fused in the past, but...it never occurred to me. Or any of the others I worked with.

"So I didn't know. I didn't want to know. I thought fusion was practical at best and disgusting at worst, until I came here. Until Garnet taught me what fusion meant. And I started thinking that maybe it was something I wanted to try. But only with the right Gem, under the right circumstances."

She turned and faced Lapis, her face mournful and apologetic.

"And that's why...That's why last night happened. Because everything was right. Except me. And the last thing you need in your life is a defect."

She turned away again. She couldn't make herself cry. It was just defeat.

An acknowledgement of failure. 

Until Lapis brushed her hand along Peridot's face and turned her head towards her. 

Peridot saw her friend's face, sad but with a warm, accepting smile. 

"Peridot...Do you really think that you're a defect? After all that you've done? After turning against Homeworld and adapting yourself to life on Earth? After learning how to farm and make morps and raise a pumpkin? After befriending the Crystal Gems? After discovering your powers and learning to live without your limb enhancers? After standing up to Yellow Diamond, twice? After rocking a goofy yellow sundress at a wedding? After becoming the Savior of Homeworld!?!

"And most of all...think about when we first met. Or, I guess it wasn't the first time...But, you know. When we started being barn mates. How I couldn't stand you. How everything you said and did made me sick and reminded me of everything awful that happened to me. Until I realized that you were kind, and that you had changed, and that...you were willing to put up with me because...somehow, you understood. How I left Earth and tore our life up from the roots and...you still accepted me back. You didn't give me any grief, you didn't chew me out for it, you didn't complain, you didn't kick me off the beach and never want to see me again. You just...were happy that I returned." 

Lapis's voice started to break as she said that. 

"Just...think about it, Peridot. Think about everything you've done since coming here. And tell me that you're a failure." 

Peridot grabbed Lapis by the wrist and brushed her arm absently. 

"Well...maybe," Peridot said. "But...I can't fuse."

"It doesn't matter," Lapis insisted. "Not to me. It never did."

She broke away from Peridot and hugged herself again. She couldn't help another stab of memory, another vision of Jasper and Malachite and the chains and the endless, bleak water surging through her mind. 

"I thought you ran away because...you didn't want to fuse with me. After all that I'd been through. But...That's what upset me. That's why...I thought about how long it took me to even be ready to think about fusing again and...Then that happened." 

"Lapis, there is nothing more I want in the Universe than to fuse with you," Peridot insisted. "If I could...I would be the happiest Gem in history."

"And I wouldn't fuse with anyone else but you," Lapis assured her. "But that's not what matters. That's not the most important thing."

She moved an arm across Peridot's shoulders and pulled her close. The little green Gem didn't resist, but didn't embrace her either. 

"We don't have to fuse. Maybe we can't make something new, but...we have each other. There will _always_ be Lapis Lazuli and Peridot. And if we can't be one being, together...then we'll be **two** beings, together. And that will still matter."

Peridot thought about those words. She felt a warmth spreading through her, but not from her gem. Just...a good feeling.

"When you came back," she said, "I was just...I honestly never expected to see you again. And don't get me wrong, Lapis, I was devastated. I spent weeks moping in Steven's bathtub, heartbroken. I couldn't move, didn't have the will to do anything. Sometimes I even thought about shattering myself. But I tried to accept that you were gone, and then...you were there.

"I think we need to...things have been too crazy for us to really talk things out. We need to deal with this. Because I was mad, and sad, and it was a mess, and I'm not sure if I've forgiven you for it. I didn't yell at you because we were fighting Blue Diamond and you leveled her with the fucking barn and it didn't matter because **you were back**."

She let that thought hanging as a gust of breeze blew past, ruffling Lapis's hair.  

"So...We still have things to work out," Lapis said. 

"Yes," Peridot said quietly. "Many things."

"Fusion...can be one of those things."

"Yes."

"Even if it doesn't matter...I know it **does** matter. But it's not the most important thing, and that's what I _meant_ to say."

"I understand."

"The most important thing is you." 

Peridot just nodded gratefully. There was nothing

"And there's the whole abandoning you and flying into space thing..." Lapis said, trying to lighten the mood a little.

"And the fact that our first meeting was violent and traumatic for you..." Peridot offered. 

"And our shipping wars which somehow bled onto the internet..."

"Look, just because you think Paulette is an appropriate romantic match for Pierre doesn't mean..."

"You have such a shallow understanding Paulette's character..."

"You can't have a deep understanding of a shallow character, Lazuli. That's insane!"

The both felt a little comfortable, slipping back into their old banter like that.

"So yeah...a lot to work out," Lapis concluded. 

The two sat there for a moment in each other's arms, watching the Sun go down. Lapis brushed a strand of hair from Peridot's forehead.

"Even if we can't fuse," Lapis said gingerly, "there **is** one thing we can still do."

"Oh?"

Lapis smooched Peridot on the forehead. Then Peridot raised her head and the two locked lips in a long, passionate kiss.

"Better than fusion," Peridot said. 

"Better than any fusions I've experienced," Lapis joked truthfully. 

"There's another reason why I didn't get angry when you came back," Peridot confided as her head sank into Lapis's lap.

"What's that?" Lapis asked, brushing her partner's hair. 

"I love you."

The words slapped Lapis across the face. Not because of the sentiment, because she suspected as much. But just - Peridot's being so blunt with it.

"I love you, too," she replied, smiling.

The two of them sat in the dunes, enjoying the twilight, and each other without exchanging another word. 

What else was there to say?  


End file.
